Hi everybody, I'm new. I am having some issues with my 13 yr old. He is normally pretty responsible, never a problem in school. His dad and I are divorced and we both recently had some changes. Dad has moved in his girlfriend and her three children. I recently got engaged, but have pushed the wedding date back at this time. Last week he came home with a hickey. This week he is in detention for failing to turn in homework. He seems very angry at me, and I just want to do the right thing for him. He has stated that he doesn't want to live with me and my fiance when we move in together which is a couple of months off, but I feel that most of the structure that he has, I provide in my home. I need advice about what is the right thing to do for him and my family.

Oh my, sounds like he needs his dad around.  I think that sometimes young boys will act out if they do not have their father, or a father figure around.  You might need to give up the reins for a while and let his dad step in.  You especially should be communicating wth his father right now.  It sounds like he might also need some counseling, not from a school counselor.

His dad is around, he sees him every day, we actually have a very good relationship. Thanks though.

While in high school, my father died and soon after my mom started dating again. Although the situation is different, I was completely closed to having another male figure in my life. I hated him. I shut myself off to him and my mom.  I acted out, and thought well my mom doesnt care, she has her new boyfriend. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted. After awhile in my own way, I started to accept him more. I was never thrilled with him being around, but I was more accepting. Things eventually never worked out between them, and honestly I wasnt sad to see him go.

As a teenager it was very hard for me to accept that my mom was moving on. I think maybe if her boyfriend was more accepting of me, I may have felt different towards him. Maybe talk to him, and see what his feelings are towards your bf. Does he like him, does he feel liked back. Maybe have your ex-husband talk to him about it, he might feel more comfortable talking to him about it. I know for me, it was a lot easier to talk to other adults about the situation that to talk to my mom. I was afraid she wouldnt listen and take his side. He may just need some more time to adjust to this new situation.

I do hope things work out for you and your family. Good Luck!!

Okay say you have a small child...and you are at the park...someone tries to take them.....what do you do?  WHATEVER it takes......At any age of your child you do whatever it takes to get them on the right path....you need to lay down your life for your child......I will be be in all your classes, hanging out with you and your firends...i will be aorund 24/7 until they make the right choices....

I'll lay my life down, and I'll give it up if I have to...but you will not ruin your life, and I am here to make sure......it is our job to get the foolishness out of their hearts.......

never parent out of guilt or fear....

verbal praise, goals and incentives, (not bribs) encouragment, pre-activity....verbal reminders....questions....positive words...  these are all good tools......

I think Kelrae brings up another good point with her analogy.

Sometimes we lose sight of how conntected our kids are to us, since it seems like they are so interested in other things.

In the same way we would lay down our lives to get our chiild back, so will a child go to extremes if he/she fears the loss of a/the parent.

As adults, we are mostly emotionally stable, so we can rationalize things with divorces and new relationships, but not always so for kids.  At the same time, they are intellectually capable of discussing it if given the opportunity.

Something is up, and being loving but direct on a daily basis is the approach I would personally use.... 

Your child is very angry and also very scared.  His actions cry for your attention, don't handle this by your self.  Speak with his dad and the two of you make a plan, and stand together with your x.  If he sees he can't get his way and there are ground rules he'll come back to both of you.  You need to let him know that everything happening around him is not his fault but he still has commitents to himself and both families he is going to be around.  Find out who he's hanging out with, if they are part of the problem they have to go, he's a smart kid, don't let him run the show, especially at 13.  My daughters started causing havic at that age but my boys didn't start til they were 18.  One other thing he has to know how much he means to both you and your x.  Love can bridge this problem.

Roxanna

So, this ended up being really long...


Wow, having been through the divorce, remarriage thing with my parents at about that same age, I can say it is a very hard and confusing time for a teenager.  Not only are you tying to figure so much about life and all your body changes, your stable home environment is changing.  So, I have a couple of thoughts to share based on my experience. 

First, does he have the same feelings about living with his father? 

If so, then he may not know where he fits into his parent's new lives.  For both you and his father, you need to build his confidence (through actions more then verbal and don't through material things at him) taht he is important and has a "role" in the new families.

If not, as hard as it may be, you need to understand why.  What is it about the relationship with you & your fiance that is creating these concerns.  Do the two of them get along, have they found a connection?  Does your fiance act differently when he is around vs. the two of you in a different room?

He needs to feel confident that his feelings and well-being matters to you & his dad, both through verbal communication and your actions.  If you have not already, you may want to set-up regular time with him.  Hopefully he will open up with you about why he is acting out and what his needs are.  My mom told me all of the time how much I met to her and she loved me; however, when i would ask for time with her, she would choose her boyfriend (turned husband) over me.  I acted out so horribly because she didn't listen to me.  Instead, she choose to listen to the advice her friends would give her.  That does not mean do whatever he says, it just means he needs to know you care & understand and will work with him to find away to make him feel comfortable. 

Beyond home-life, 13 is a difficult time.  Has his relationships started to change, new friends?  It could be possible friends are branching out and it may feel like his whole world is changing.  I went through major changes in friends at this time.  Again, communication.

In the end, I moved to CA. with my dad and lived there until I completed high school.  It was what worked best for me at the time.  My mom and I worked through all of our history, talk daily, and I consider her one of my dearest friends.

I know this is a long response, but it is a complex situation.  I believe I read another post that talks about counseling.  I strongly suggest that, my parents had me in counseling on multiple occassions throughout my teen years and at times, I would even request to go.  It often helped to talk with a stranger about my concerns, he/she would put it into perspective or help me learn to articulate my feeling with my parents.

If you have extended family around - maybe they would care enough to weigh.  I had an Aunt, Unlce, and Grandparents, that really were there for me.  They did not always tell me what I wanted to hear, but they gave objective support and I know that was a huge help in getting through it all.

Good luck!

 

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It's nice to get different perspectives and I know that we'll get through it.

All this advice is great.

Never let your son forget that you love him and you are the parent.

That's why we are here. To give advice and different perspectives. Don't worry, the fact that you are asking other parents shows that you truly care. You know what needs to be done. Hopefully we have helped!

Good luck!