Loved that hehheh  Now  heres a Laugh for today lol

 

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the
door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push.

 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the
morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

 'Who was that?' asked his wife.

 'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he
answers.

 'Did you help him?' she asks.

 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is
pouring rain out there!'

 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you
should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!'

 The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes
out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the
dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

 'Yes,' comes back the answer.

 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

 'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

 'Where are you?' asks the husband.

 'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating their 44th wedding anniversary at a
quiet, romantic little restaurant.  Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and especially at this time in life,
I will grant you each a wish.
"Oh," said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my darling husband."  The fairy
waved her magic wand; and - proof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner and
Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn.  He thought for a minute and said:
"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed,  But a wish is a wish.
So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and Poof! - the husband became 92 years old...
 
The Moral of the story...
 
Man who are ungrateful should remember... Fairies are Female.

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
'Why?' my daughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.'
I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.'
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.
''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.

I thought this was just too much funny to keep in my mail box!

and for all my singal dad friends this has nothing to do with you. you pass the test too

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel
schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying
down the following day.


The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston ....a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, O ctober 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a surveillance satellite system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my bosom is barely above my waist, and my bottom is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

"God, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that God?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll sometimes cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch God?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that God?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

Little Johnny got a prime clerk's job at the local department store. One day, a young pretty girl strolled up to the fabric store's counter where Johnny was working and asked:
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"That fabric Mam, is only one kiss per yard," Little Johnny smirked.

"That's fine," replied the little girl, "I'll take ten yards please."

With anticipation and excited expectation written all over his face, Little Johnny hurriedly measured out the ten yards, perfectly wrapped up the cloth and held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing just behind her: "Grandpa Fester will pay the bill," she smiled...

The Joys of Having Girls

This just totally cracked me up!  I could totally see that being Emma.

"I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth." -Psalm 57:9-11. 

 

glitter-graphics.com ...

Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.

He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

Alzheimer's test

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
    

 1. This is this cat.
     2. This is is cat.
     3. This is how cat.
     4. This is to cat.
     5. This is keep cat.
     6. This is an cat.
     7. This is old cat.
     8. This is fart cat.
     9. This is busy cat.
   10. This is for cat
   11. This is forty cat.
   12. This is seconds cat.
 

Now, go back and read the third word in each line from the top down..

FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss," I know now is a bad time disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Woman has Man in it;

 Mrs. has Mr in it;

 Female has Male in it

 She has He in it;

 Madam has Adam in it;

 Okay, it all makes sense now...

I never looked at it this way before:

MEN tal illness

MEN strual cramps

MEN tal breakdown

Guy necologist

AND ..

When we have REAL trouble,

it's a HIS terectomy

"Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN????

 

hehheh  Oldie  but so true !! Thats why man needed a helpmate lol