Gone To Heaven:

God and St Peter are talking about the overcrowded conditions in Heaven, they decide to only let the people in who had a really bad day on the day they died. So St Peter says to the 1st man in line, "tell me about the day you died." The man says "I came home early to catch my wife cheating on me, I looked around the apt., but did not find anyone, I went out on our balcony, I live on the 25th floor, and saw a man hanging there by his fingertips, I went back in and got a hammer and smashed his fingertips, he fell to the ground but some bushes broke his fall and he survived, so I went in and got my refridgerator and pushed it over the rail andcrushed him to death, in the excitement of all of this I had a heart attack and died."

Peter thought that it was a bad day and since it was a crime of passion he allowed the manto come in. Then Peter says to the next man in line, "Tell me about the day you died." The man says " I was exercising on my balcony, I live on the 26th floor of my apt.building, when I slipped and fell over the rail, I managed to catch myself on the balcony of the man who lives under me, but then some crazy person smashes my fingers with a hammer, I fell to the ground but some bushes broke my fall and I survived but then the same crazy man pushes a refridgerator over the rail and crushed me to death."

St peter chuckles and lets the man in. Then Peter says to the next man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man says "Well, picture this I'm naked and hiding in this guys refridgerator.....

This is really cute.......

MOM WINS!!

My son came home from school on day,
A smirk was on his face,
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.

HE SAID:

Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
                                               

IT SAYS:

I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue and nose.
I can read and watch what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge ou with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

HE SAID:

Don't you ever touch me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.

HE CONTINUED WITH:

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind conrol,
And it's illegal too!

Mom, I have theses children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or i'll call Children's Services,
Better known as D.S.S.

MY TURN!

Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let it go.
A little smile crept to my face...
He was messing with a pro!

AND AWAY WE GO!

Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will store,
I told him, pick out all ou want!
There are shirts and pants galore.

I've called and checked with D.S.S.,
They said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.

OH! AND...

I've cancelled that appointment
To take your drivers test.
The D.S.S. is unconcerned,
So i'll decide what's best.

I SAID:

No tme to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrorw you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.

Just save that raging appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favorite dish of mine.

HE ASKED:

Can we stop to rent a movie.
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.

I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch instead.
The D.S.S. only requires a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt bike and roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!

Hey, hot shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
...GO CALL THE D.S.S.

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

In case you miss it in the Football thread:

A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another
man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in his right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife
was supposed to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone
else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had
shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no
secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe
box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to
open or ask her about.

 


For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one
day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents . "When we were to be married," she
said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

The Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death........
because I don't know how to crochet.  

I hope you guys like this one. 

Confused Child in a Wedding Party.

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, “ROAR,” step, step, “ROAR,” all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

 

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects

Name that animal, kids

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

I also posted this in one of the group forums, but I just happened to think about this and thought I would share this little story.  It actually is a true story.

Back in the days before price scanners, when they only had price tags, my parents were at the little local grocery store picking up a couple of items.  Ahead of them in the checkout line was a woman who was purchasing (among other things) a box of tampons.  The woman self-consciously put her items on the counter and the cashier began checking her items through.  When the cashier got to the box of tampons, she held it up, looked at it for a minute and said, "There's no price tag on this box."  The embarassed woman quickly said, "That's fine, just never mind."  But the cashier insisted and got on the intercom and said (very loudly) "I need a price check on a box of Tampax!"  In the meantime, the poor woman had turned bright red and looked as though she hoped the floor would open up and swallow her.  The stock boy, having misheard the cashier (thinking she said a box of thumb tacks) got on the intercom and asked "Is that the kind you push in with your thumb or beat in with a hammer?"  The woman, comletely and utterly mortified, turned and ran from the store and my parents could barely pick themselves up off the floor from laughing so hard.  True story.

"I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.  Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth." -Psalm 57:9-11. 

 

glitter-graphics.com ...

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair".
 

> Kathy, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
> morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
> members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared
> her enough to maintain their silence.
>
> She made a mistake, however, when she accused Jack, a new member, of
> being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
> town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Jack (and several
> others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
>
> Jack, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
> walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
> Later that evening, Jack quietly parked his pickup in front of Kathy's
> house... walked home... and left it there all night.
>
> You just gotta love Jack.
>

Why I quit hunting -
 
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
 
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different aanticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
 
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my dumb ass husband is out hunting in that stuff?"