Never let your mother make the wedding invites!

 

 

This is cute!

A   little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The  teacher  said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a  human because  even though it was a very large mammal its throat  was very  small.

The  little girl stated that  Jonah  was swallowed by a  whale.

Irritated,  the teacher reiterated that a  whale could not swallow a human; it  was physically impossible.

The   little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask   Jonah".

The   teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The  little girl  replied, "Then you ask him ".

Seven Degrees of Blondes
>
> FIRST DEGREE
>
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
> The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
> said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
>
> The husband said, "Who was that?"
>
> The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is
> clear."
>
>
> SECOND DEGREE
>
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
> sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
> and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
>
> The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
>
> So the first blonde hands her the compact.
>
> The second on e looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
>
> THIRD DEGREE
>
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
> buys a gun.
>
> She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
> finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She
> opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
> with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
>
> The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
>
> The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
>
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
>
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
> proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
>
> A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
>
> The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
>
> What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
>
> "Is it mine?"
>  SIXTH DEGREE
>
> Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
> government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
> was about.
>
> Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
> George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
>
>
> SEVENTH DEGREE
>
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
> reported the crime.
>
> The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
> patrolling nearby was the first t o respond. As the K-9 officer
> approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on  the
> porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the
> steps.
>
> Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
> possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
>
> They send me a BLIND policeman."
         these are good ones roflmao

A   teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to  make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I  stood on my head, the  blood, as you know, would run into it, and I  would turn red in the  face."

"Yes,"  the class said.

"Then  why is it that while I  am standing upright in the ordinary  position the  blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A  little fellow shouted,
"Cause  your feet ain't  empty."

The   children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary  school  for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of  apples. The nun  made a note, and posted on the apple  tray:

"Take  only ONE. God is  watching."

Moving  further along the lunch line, at the other end of  the table was a  large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A  child had  written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the   apples.

FROM MY G-MA CLEANED IT UP WITH SOME @#@ 

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-a@# man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

 

Onions and Christmas Trees

A woman got a job to work in a factory making childrens toys.

One day her boss came up to her a bit exasperated and asked her what she was doing.

She had all of the Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls in a huge pile at her feet and was meticulously sewing two marbles wrapped in fabric between Elmo's legs.

Her boss then said, "When we hired you yesterday we needed you to give Elmo two test tickles!"