Got this from a friend of mine...

A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of first
>    graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers. The children began the study
>    and as
>    they received a Lifesaver candy responded;
>
>
>       "Red.............cherry,"
>
>
>
>       "Yellow.........lemon,"
>
>
>       "Green..........lime,"
>
>
>       "Orange ......orange,"
>
>       Then the teacher gave each of them a honey Lifesavers. After
>    eating the candy, it was obvious most of the kids were not
>    familiar with
>    honey and none of the children could identify the taste. "Well,"
>    she
>    said; "I'll give you all a clue; it's what your mother may
>    sometimes
>    call your father."
>
>       One little girl looked up in horror, spit out the remains of
>    her  Lifesaver and screeched; "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

SALESMAN OF THE YEAR
 
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big
"everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked,
"Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a
salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the
job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How
many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without
hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20
or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,
237.64." The boss said, "$101, 237.64?! What the heck did you sell?!"
the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a
new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went
down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy
a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

heh that was posted on one of the car forums i go to awhile ago but it was a blonde of course hehe

Here is a good one.

Payday

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.  

 WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
   A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
High-powered Vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm Broke!'
And she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
  Manure on to her hallway carpet.

  'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse  
 manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
  The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a real  
 good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
  What part of broke do you not understand?

once there was a women who happened to be pregnant with triplets. she was walking down the street when a men came running out of a 7-11 after robbing it, figuring she was a witness he shot her in the stomach three times thinking that would take care of her. miracliously she and the babies survived without the removal of even one bullet.

some time down the road one of triplets a girl came running out of the bathroom, "mommy mommy i was peeing and a bullet came out" "oh" the mother exclaimed. about a week later another of the triplets also came running out of the bathroom," mommy mommy i was peeing and a bullet came out" "oh" the mother exclaimed. about a week after that  another of the triplets came running from the bedroom a boy this time, "mommy mommy" this time the mother inturpted him, "let me guess you were peeing and a bullet came out" and the boy propmtly answered, "no i was masturbating in my room and i think i shot the dog"

WHO DOES THE WORK?
Who's working anyway?   The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.   There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.   Leaving
15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-aden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
overnments.  And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.   Leaving
1,212,000
>to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.   That leaves just two people
to
Do the work.


You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your butt,
At your computer, reading jokes.   Nice. Real nice.

An elephant walks up to a naked man and says, "Hey, how do you breathe outta that thing?"

Oh good one!  

A WOMAN'S POEM 

 He didn't like the casserole 

 And he didn't like my cake. 

 He said my biscuits were too hard... 

 Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I didn 't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do. 

 I pondered for an answer 

 I was looking for a clue. 

 Then I turned around and smacked the $#%*!! ... out of him

 Like his mother used to do

Oh that was funny!!! I like that one!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 1st grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", the little girl began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before
we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffffff, Fffffff, Fffffff,
Fffffff'...And
before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler ate him!"

ROFLMAO!!!

Thats funny!  

THIS ISN'T A JOKE BUT I LOVE LOOKING AT THESE ILLUSIONS!!

 

If your brain works normally this is neat.
This is another example of an amazing illusion!!! The last sentence is so true.

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one color, pink.

However if you stare at the black " +" in the center, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black " + " in the center of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see only a single green dot rotating.

It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot , and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.