i am 31 and i have 5 kids. i have got married to a great man (one of the kids belong to him) i am having a problem with the 4 that dont belong to him acting like he has no say at all in there lifes. there real dad has passed aways along time ago and he is the closest thing they have to a dad. how ever it seems to be more fighting than anything else in our home. no matter what i say or do it never is the right thing. every one of them even the step dad say's i am taking sides. my 12 year old has one of the worst attitudes and has become so hatefull to everyone all the way to the point where she is even disrespecting me. i ask her if it is her step dad making her act this way and she says no she loves him and he is part of the family. how do i get everyone to stop and get along. please help me

First of all, that has got to be hard. I come from a step family also. My stepdad was great. I guess, first of all, how old are all the kids? One thing I would do is set up a family meeting that you can all attend. Let everyone in on decisions and also maybe have everyone write down 5 things they would like to see happen in the house. What concerns they have that need to be discussed, I think if everyone has some say in how things work and what is expected, you would be surprised on how things go. Put a jar in the kitchen on the counter and let everyone know that if there is a problem during the week, they should write it down on a piece of paper and set up a certain day of the week where you all have your family meeing, look at all the slips in the jar and go over them all together. It could help open the line of communication. Good luck.

Great Idea!

As far as the 12 year old, I have one too.  She is so incredibly moody, attitude one day, sweet as pie the next.  Her behavior may not have anything to do with the step dad at all, but it does need to be handled.  I suggest you have a talk with her privately first, not a lecture, a talk.  Find out if anything is bothering her and how you can help.  If there are any other older ones I would suggest doing the same individually before you come together as a family for a meeting.  Then you can have an idea about where they are all coming from before you get together.  Then you can plan your stradegy on how to go about the meeting.  The younger ones may be acting out because they see the older ones doing it, so handling the older ones and getting them to cooperate may be your first move, the others hopfully will follow suit.  Good luck!  Let us know how it's going.

Sounds to me as if your children want to see what it is that will push your husband over the edge and stop loving them or leave. I have first hand experience with these lovely attitudes. You see, I am both a stepdaughter and a stepmother (my mother died when I was young).

If the children are not in counseling, get them started right away, as well as family counseling. Make sure you find someone experienced in Blended or Step families as well as losing a parent thru death. The pain of loss may be resurfacing for them. The unconscience thought that your hubby will only end up dying on them as well so why bother risk the pain again. And no matter what age your children were at when they lost their father, they can experience this attitude.

Since you have a child w/ your hubby, there may be jealously issues involved. This child being the youngest will of course need more of your time and attention. This gets confused in children with the thought that since this is his child you love them more. To love someone is to do so unconditionally but it doesn't mean you have to like them at times or their behavior/attitude. Just explain to your children that your love is not a water faucet; you can not turn it on/off. But just like when they were younger and they needed more of your time and attention, so does this little one.

As to your 12 yr old daughter, get used to this behavior. She's on the verge of teenagehood. Get ready for some huge ups and downs. LOL. Girls can be a handful (understated maybe? LOL). Hang on tight and know that she will outgrow these attitudes, eventually. LOL.

I am concerned w/ some of your comments like, "i am having a problem with the 4 that dont belong to him" and "i ask her if it is her step dad making her act this way". Since their father has passed away and this man has married you then they DO belong to him. Just not biologically. Why would you ask your daughter if your husband caused her behavior? Has he shown himself to be untrustworthy w/ your children? When you answer these questions, you may find other answers.

You and your hubby need to sit down and decide the rules for your house/family. Then sit down and lay them out to the children together. Make sure you have the same basic rules for everyone and you follow thru w/ each consequence. If something needs to be altered, you or hubby tells the child/ren that when the 2 of you have a chance to discuss it, you will get back to them. This way there's no surprises and you appear like a united front for your children.

Now for a bit of advise that may make your children more angry at first; every time they say/do something out of line, they need to be reprimanded then follow it with "I still love you but I don't like your attitude/behavior right now." Make sure you and hubby not only tell them but show them that no matter what they do/say you will always be there for them. This can get a bit difficult at times but in the end it is worth it!

hi i grew up with a step father. what i think my help is sit down with your husband and all the kids. have him explain tothe 4 kids that aren't his that he knows he is not their "real" father and that he is not trying to replace him in anyway. then explain that he wants to be their friends at first then maybe work up to other things. but let them know that he is still a father figure and they need to listen and respect as he does them. that might help. i know it helped for me good luck

I couldn't see how long you & your spouse have been together, but one thing about blending families is to remember that YOU were the one who got to know and fell in love with your husband - not your kids.  Kids are basically along for the ride most of the time.  Does your husband do anything with your kids like take them to the park, swimming, hiking, bike riding, playing ball, etc.?  He may even want to take each for a 1-on-1 special kind of 'date' day over the course of several weeks (perhaps each Saturday morning is one kids' day w/ dad - you can even put this on the family calendar so everyone knows whose turn it is and when their day is next).  Maybe you'll want to do a day w/ mom on Sunday mornings then so your step child is included in 1-on-1 with you as well.

It's very normal to have friction when families blend, but remembering that your husband cannot be respected as a father until it's earned might help.  To do otherwise is only to ask for resentment from the kids.  I know it's hard when he's used to being a parent, but marrying you does not give him instant free pass to parent your kids anymore than you'd expect a school teacher to parent your child just b/c your kid ended up in that teacher's classroom, right?