Hi, I'm kinda new....

 I'm a potential step dad, and have been dating a woman I love for a year now.  She has 3 wonderful girls, one six and 2 of them 4 and a half.

 We're starting to have issues on what my role is in child raising though.  I love the kids and we always have fun, but I worry about their development.  One of them still isn't potty trained, and all of them still wear diapers overnight.  I don't know a thing about kids cept what I learned from my little brother and little sisters from my parents, but this seems very late to me.  All three still insist upon being carried most everywhere, and if I'm carrying something and tell them big girls need to walk (from the car to the house) I'm in the doghouse.  One of them is considered developmentally behind (the one in diapers).  Screaming fits are the norm, hair pulling, hitting (myself being struck included) etc, but I see very little discipline, and as of yet, am reluctant to step into that minefield.  I understand that with fits ignoring them shows them they gain you nothing, but at some point I wonder if they need to be shown that hitting, especially adults and parents, as well as screaming, should reap some form of punishment.  I am very concerned about the diapers.

I understand that I'm new to this and stepping into something I wasn't there for the first part of, and that being a loving parent means being indulgent, but doesn't it also mean helping the kids grow and expand themselves?  Every time I even hint at my concern, I'm told I don't know much about parenting do I, but I love those girls and I want to see them have a foot up in life, and I feel I must do or say something.  I guess I would like to know if anyone else has had this problem, with the potty training, or how the fits and such are handled, because I have a feeling I'm in for a big sit down in the near future, because I haven't seem them progress at all in a year's time.

 thanks for any help.

It sounds to me the biggest problem is they need discipline. They should know better than to hit anyone especially adults. The diaper thing I honestly couldn't tell you. That's something that needs to be brought up to thair pediatrician maybe theres more to it than just not being potty trained. She could have some med problems making it hard for her like not being able to control her bladder. My suggestion is talk to your g/f and lay down your concerns about the girls and come up with a agreement about teaching them and discipline. Let her know that you want to be there and help them grow. Communication is the key.

I posted a while ago about my 4 1/2 year old wearing pull-ups to bed at night and most of the people who replied didn't think there was much to do or worry about. I will not limit her water before bed so she still wears a pull-up. I have a bottle of water by the bed for me to use at night, how can I tell her no while I gulp away.

I too am one to ignore the hitting. My daughter would hit when she was/is over tired and just really needs to go to bed. Knowing that it is probably my fault for her not being in bed I will not punish her, I ignore her.

Lately I have turned it around and said "do you think hitting will help you get what you want?" which helps as well (she would just run to another room at that point). After some time to calm down we talk about it.

That is a hard question(s).  I say no parent goes into this knowing 100% about children we are all learning.  Your gf might be putting a wall up single moms are protective because you bring in a man you run the risk of not just getting hurt but haveing the children hurt.( and vicea versa)  But you do need to talk about this.  I say invest in some counseling for you two and the children it is a big step!  i had some when I moved from mom to dad's and it was great!  For the short term as corney as it sounds sit down together one night and watch Supernanny with her(without the kids) the tips are awesome and it might open up some communication

I have a 2 1/2 year old and she is potty trained. I due stop her from haveing anything to drink at 7:30pm. There bladder has to get use to holding and not going threw the night. It helps alot. She knows she cant have anything to drink cause she knows she will wet the bed. But if the little ones have any kind of medical problems that can make it harder. There bladder might not be devolep enough to hold it at night. As far as the hitting and screaming I would say that is just not getting there way. I would talk to your girl friend and tell her yea I know I am new at all this but I do know that is not normal. If she is haveing issues with you know on corecting the kids I can only see what it would be like when they get older. I know there not your kids but you have been together for a year and ur girlfriend has to understand what is best for the kids. If they know now they dont have to listen to you and it starts a fight think about what it will be like in another year or so. Or even when they are teens. Well good luck and hope things work out for you.

I feel your pain buddy.

It's hard enough when you are there from the beginning.

I'm just gonna drop my thoughts in here.  They may be right.  They may be wrong.  But they have worked for me.

First, yes, discipline is important, and kids WANT it.  But how do you define 'discipline' and who doles it out?  My point being, in a positive relationship based on caring, love, and trust, the threat of discipline is more effective than 'discipline' itself.

In terms of another definiton of discipline - steady, unwavering commitment - kids want this too.  Consistency. 

But they are smart.  You can reason with them, talk to them, teach them.  Then when you drop the hammer, it will be discipline, it will mean something.

'can i eat this candy?'

"no"

'how about now?'

"no."

'why?'

"because we haven't had dinner.  if you eat your dinner, we can have some candy.  candy is not a food.  it is a treat.  if you want to grow up and have fun and be health, you eat food and enjoy treats.  in that order."

'well, i'm going to eat it.'

(calmly)"no, you're not. (taking it away.)  you will eat your dinner, and then we'll talk about candy."

Kids get that stuff.  Talk to them like you would someone your own age, but with language and explanations they will understand.  Not "No, because I'm the big dog and can kick your ass!"

In time, and by time, I mean as much as it takes, they will consult and listen.  You are the adult, so don't be angered by their kiddy ways.  Step up, do fun things, be consistent, and treat them with respect.  They'll be eating out of your hand in no time.  And you out of theirs.

There are tons of books on step-parenting, and I recommend all of them.  But it boils down to having a good relationship, being realistic in your expectations, and being a good role model.  If things had gone well for them up to this point, you wouldn't be in the picture.  Their lives have been unsettled.  They need teh rock.  Not the roll.

Good luck, and have fun with it.  And one last thing.  The more you fret, push and worry on diapers and potty training, the longer it will take.  Just be supportive, understandign, and keep wipes and a change of undies with you!  Tell me you haven't had a little accident yourself in the last few years, and I'll jump over the moon.

Oh yeah.

Tell them how great they are, and how much you enjoy being around them as much as you can fit in one day.  Tell them they can be anything they want to be. 

Tell them how well they do the things you wish they actually did well.  It will be a self fulfilling prophecy.  Tell them that you care.  Tell them that you love them but not until you really do.  But you can still tell them how important they are to you and so forth.

This works for some things, but saying 'you are the best world champion tennis player' won't make it happen automatically.  Sorry.  Time and practice and talent. 

But for behavior and such?  Postiive encouragment will precede positive behavior.

I have to say I really admire your commitment to these kids and their mother. You sound like the decent, kind, caring person they really need in their lives at this time.

Being the disciplinarian will take time. You don't want to overrule your girlfriend in this area. Her methods may not be the best, but they are the methods the kids are used to.  Gradually, the kids will want to please you because they love and respect you and not because you have asserted yourself in a bullying way. Out of the earshot of the kids, it would be wise to start discussing discipline tactics with your girlfriend. She might begin to agree with you if you approach it in a way that proves you are doing it for all the right reasons, not because you are annoyed at the children's behavior. Be gentle. Be patient.