I thought I would start this thread to find more moms out there who might be experiencing the same cultural differences that I am.

I come from a very "white" family... they originate from the south. I'm the only one in the history of my family to marry outside my race. Six years ago I married a mexican. I was told he would be machismo and lazy and never amount to much, and my life would be hard. I chose to listen to my heart and God's promptings instead, and married him. I am proud to say that he's proved all them wrong. He's a wonderful man. I love him with all my heart. We have 3 beautiful children together. Having said all that... I am finding some harsh cultural differences in raising our children, in dealings with others, in cooking, in cleaning. And I am just wondering... is it just me, or are all biracial marriages like this?

For example, when I tell him to come here, he says "I'm coming right now." I'm thinking he's coming right now... but he doesnt come until way later! What is that!

I was brought up that we took baths 2 to 3 times a week. When I ask other moms, they do about the same. I shoot for every other night. Kevin says that's filthy and his kids should be bathed every night and sometimes during the day if their feet are dirty, and anything less is filthy. What is that!

 If I'm in the other room and he calls my name, I say, "Yeah? or What?" He keeps calling my name...wont tell me what he wants... He wants me to stop what I'm doing and go over there and then find out what he wants. What is that!

I help out a lot of friends by watching their kids for them. But if I want to call in a favor and ask someone to watch my kids, he gets embarrassed and says we're being a burden. What is that!

I'm sure if I sat here longer I could come up with tons more examples of differences that I'm left puzzled about. I guess what I want to know is which ones are cultural, and which ones are just ANNOYING?

I have some of these same issues, and I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that your family is Bi-racial.  My DH and I are both of the same race (white) and we grew up in very different homes. 

 

DH doesn't think the children need a bath everynight, however, I prefer them to be clean and fresh when they get into bed.  I started a nighttime rountine with baths every evening and then the kiddos know it is time to wind down and that bedtime is getting closer.

DH also calls for me and expects me to drop what I am doing...immediately! LOL!  We all know I couldn't possibly be busy!

DH says "I'll be right there"...ya right...I so DON'T believe that anymore...16 1/2 years later I know better.

DH says if he wanted to help he would volunteer.  WHAT?!  He should be willing to help all the time!

 

My list could go on and on forever as well!

My DH and I were clearly raised completely different.  It isn't a bad thing and my hubby is a loving and hard working man.  I think at times he can be selfish, but he was raised that way and takes his example of fatherhood from his father.  My dad was soooo different.  He was always helping with anything.  He spent all his free time doing things with my mom and me and my sister.

Marriage is all about compromise.

Good Luck!

very intresting post.... i really dont have much input for you all though i would hope that most arejust his personallity asa man.....the whole sitter thing.... sounds like my hubby..... hes white btw.....and the thing about him calling from another room until you get up andgo....sounds like my hubby..... "rachel come here pls" i ask for what? he relpys "just come here pls" so on and so on......until i go.... than its usually nothing. i thinkthat is a man thing....the bathing thing i think that is partpersonality part the way hewas raised ....its theoppisite inmy homejesse is the every other dayer the kids and i are every day cleane or dirty....cleane fresh out of tub just feels good to me. the whole i coming right now thing..... i dont know where that one comes form.... buti got a funny you can share nexttime he says it..... next timme he answers you when you call him with i'm coming you say ..... are you sure your just not breathing hard.....lol it will make you both laugh. i get jesse with that one all the time not to mention the countless other family members that i have caught off gaurd.... hope some one eleshassome input for you .... butform mypoint of view its sounds like all personality....the man type....

not all men have the same views though jusst wanted to addthat for others reading this didnt want to stareo type any ofour daddies.

 

Having several biracial friends ,and family I can tell you those are Not culteral issues   but issues of a man and how he was raised   sounds like cleanliness was imperative in his growing up yrs and rest that he was just raised as aslightly spoiled ....... these are Gender issues   at best. Annoying is a good word  lol.... Quit Spoiling him and discuss if you can the differences    bathing EVERY DAY can even be UNHEALTHY   hairwasshing   daily brings headlice as hair not enuff oils   so great nesting places  , and   can dry out skin, and invite  bad germs to stick easier teehee.  relally wont hurt to wash good the feet and lil bodies  every day  and a quick toss in tub wont really hurt either lol, but   how many showers does HE TAKE??? just curious   .. you can nip some of those annoying habits with patience others   well pick yer battles and tackle one at a time   .. If ya love him  then make sure you spend LOTSA time praising the things u love about him

I HAVE A NIECE IS BIRACIAL AND I LOVE HER TO DEATH AND MY SISTER MARRIED AN AFRIC AMERICAN AND HE LOVES HIS FAMILY AND THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THEN COLOR.IT LIKE THE COLOR IS NOT THERE.HE TAKE OF HIS FAMILY AND THAT GOOD IN MY BOOK

Thanks for your comments, guys! I mainly understand now that those differences arent as cultural as I thought...

But here's my next biracial question:

The other day, my 5 year old said, "Mommy, when I grow up will my skin look like yours?"

Then later on she said, "Girls are white and boys are dark, huh mommy." It's not like she's not exposed to other families of different colors... she is everyday at the child center I work at.

How do you respond to questions like that? I was never faced with racial issues growing up, and I'm not sure how to handle them now. I want them to be raised to be open minded and color-blind... but that seems to be the first thing they notice.

What do you think?

 

Well, I knew that there would be a post that I could reply to sooner or later. And, this is it. My husband is African American, (he just says he's american.) And I am white. More technically European American.

My father's family is Italian by decent and my mom is French, German and British. So we have a great hodge podge in my immediate family. My chilren for all intents and purposes are called black because of their father. (not what you want to hear when you are standing in the hallowed halls of records and vital statistics, in Virginia no less where the south is still trying to rise.) (No offense intended.)

The color of my childrens skin is not why I am here. They have asked me the same question, and I tell them this, "That God was the reason you are here and that is the color that he made you. Now wouldn't it be really weird if everyone was the same color? God loves you no matter what color you are. Red, yellow, black or white, to paraphrase."

My children have not asked me about it again. I reassure them that our families get along very well. We ask about each other and see each other as often as time and distance will allow.

As far as the man thing goes? It's a man thing. And being raised the way he was raised. My DH didn't have one father in his life, he had three. And for the longest time it wasn't the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, if you get what I mean. He had to come back to the Father. We both did.

Sometimes it takes great perserverance, trust, and maybe a good swift kick in the behind to get a DH to do what you want them to do. I love my husband, he is a great man. But there are days........

Keep your chin up, maybe the senior years will get him moving.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox.

Either that or he won't have any energy left at all, DM(Dungeon Mas-, er I mean Dear Mom). Patience and gentle persuasions are the key, unless you have a stout rolling pin.

On an aside, men are heavily influenced by inertia, which means if they are at rest it takes great energy to get them moving and when they're moving it takes a lot of energy to either stop them or change their direction into the desired path. It just takes a little insight into how to skillfully apply that energy - and that comes with experience(cause men seldom know themselves what all their motivators are). But they can usually tell you what unmotivates them, the secret is learning what even they don't know - that's why God gave women such interpersonal skills to deal with emotionally challenged men.

i have to say that it sounds like he is just being a guy , my hubby does the same thing..lol. as far as the kid situation goes. My hubby is a mutt, he has white, mexican and indian in him, and if you saw him you would say mexican or indian for sure when we were in the south people ask if he is part black. he is dark. i take that as a compliment  and i hope my kids do too. they are blessed with the hertiage and traits of many cultures. i would encourage your kids to embrace that they come from two different races.

I am a fourth generation Japanese American, born and raised in Hawaii, and my husband is apple pie white from Michigan.  I've noticed cultural differences.  I don't know anyone who was born and raised in Hawaii who doesn't bathe at least once a day, and more often, twice a day.  My husband used to think I was crazy when I'd remind him to take two baths a day.

Also, in Hawaii, as well as in the Asian culture, it is very dirty and rude to wear slippers or shoes in the house, if it has ever been worn outside.  My husband likes that because he likes being barefooted as much as possible, anyway.  He's a surfer "wanna be."

I also like to do more for other people than to have people do things for me.  It's a Japanese cultural thing - it's better to give or do for others than to receive.  Therefore, I really hate asking people for any favors, including babysitting.  I'd rather babysit for others.

Culture influences how people are raised.  It is the root of a family's value system.  However, I agree that some individual characteristics have nothing to do with "culture."

Fortunately, our cultural differences have not caused any conflicts, yet.  But then again, my husband is very flexible so he has become very Hawaiianized and Japanized and loves it.

You might try to take advantage of the cultural diversity in your marriage/family to create a more diverse family style.  At the very least it makes for a very interesting life that doesn't get boring.  If you were completely alike, you might get bored at some point.

Embrace your differences, it makes your life bigger.

Devi

I love my biracial family!  I wouldn't have it any other way.  The probelm is that people are always pulling the race card and in the end race is not what should matter.  Integrity and personality should be what matter in the scheme of things.  You know I love you and your family Maurine!!

Thanks guys for all your advice! Love ya'll!

 

good post.

 

I am bi-racial myself, I have a white mother and a black father. My husband comes from a full white background. There are several things that his family taught him that are different from what I was taught in my family...but generally most of the things we disagree on or that annoy me, are just that, annoyances.

A lot of the time it has nothing to do with racial/cultural differences, it's just the way that we were brought up and taught things, which isn't necessarily due to our racial backgrounds...and mix that with each individual personality...its all about compromise.

We are a Bi-racial Family too...  I'm whiter than a ghost....  and my husband is Cambodian-American...  He is 100% Camboidian but was born here in America..  He doesn't care aobut his cambodian culture or heritage....  Our little girl is darker than me but way light than my DH..  I don't think we have any cultural differences however we do have a lot of differences in how we were raised...  His Mom does everything in the house.  ie: works 2 jobs, pays all the bills, cleans house, does all the laundry, makes all the meals, and so-on...  The only thing his dad is required to do is go to work and get a paycheck THATS IT..  So my husband is the same way...  We are currently getting better at all of this..  I was raised the same way in essence..  However,  I've seen my mother through 4 divorces..  By the 4th one she was done doing everything.....  The husand is perfectly capable to load the dishwasher make some steaks on the grill and pick up after himself/...  So through all of this I've come to the conclsion that it doesn't matter who works harder at work the same chores need to be done and everyoneneeds to help out....  Now one thing that we do have a cultural difference on is..  RELIGION  My DH's family is primarily Buhdist I am Catholic..