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Written for Coutorture:

Coutorture's salon editorial of the week was supposed to focus on the worst fashion trends in my town, but due to my out-of-town status and, more importantly, my fashion felonious behavior, this editorial will focus on the worst fashion trends in my closet. Yes, Your Honor, I am guilty beyond a preponderance of evidence of harboring criminal fashions in my closet.

Traipsing around South Bend, Indiana in my exercise gear is enough probable cause to search my closet and seize said offenders for evidence. But it's not my exercise gear that is the biggest fashion faux pas. Before writing this article, I Googled "10 Worst Fashion Trends," and not to my surprise, my beloved Uggs, who celebrated their 11th birthday in December, were on the top ten list, along with shoulder pads, high-waisted "Mom" pants, patterned hoodies, jellies, overalls, crocs, gauchos, low-rise jeans, and track suits.

As of this writing, my little town is being challenged again by 32-degree weather and lake-effect snow that is falling faster than the economy. Uggs are to South-Benders as jurors are to the American Justice system. We could not survive without our Uggs.

I rest my case, Your Honor.