"Kidsickness" Mixed with Happiness
Category: Just Blogging
Posted: Jun 27, 2008 10:01 pm
(posted by: Jan)
List of things I would do if I wasn’t chained down to Mommydom.
1.) Get a job. I miss adult interaction and the satisfaction of bringing money into the house.
2.) Get back to my yoga practice. I haven’t had a serious practice since I was pregnant the first time around. I’ll all but abandoned it now. I miss the physical results as well as the emotional well being it inspires in me.
3.) Do more artwork. It’s hard to have to bring out all the supplies and projects out for a short time only to have to pack everything up shortly thereafter. You can’t leave paints and other tools out where tiny hands feel the need to explore.
4.) Enjoy trips out of the house for anything, be it grocery shopping, shopping for pleasure, trips the library, hell, I’d even settle for a visit to the doctor’s office, without having to tote someone with me. I’d relax and enjoy the time. I wouldn’t be constantly worried about when the next fit will be pitched or have to deal with the dreaded car seat.
5.) Spend more time with my friends. I miss them. I would even be able to carry on normal phone conversations with the long distance ones.
This list started in my head after I responded to Melissa’s post in the forums about how much you would miss your child if they were away at camp. I was the first to answer and I was shocked to read the other replies. I sounded cold hearted and came off looking like I was only too happy to pawn my child off on someone else. I need to defend myself against these allegations. Not that anyone has made them, just call me proactive, or more likely the case, paranoid. But let me expound upon my list a bit first.
These are all things that I had previously in my life. I took all of this for granted. I used to hate going to the doctor or the dentist. Now I would settle for a trip to either where I could sit in the waiting room and happily read for a few minutes before the appointment. I miss yoga. It helped keep me grounded, healthier, and much happier in general. I miss artwork. I never had as much time as I wanted for this even prior to kids. There is a yearning in me to create. Now I just do an occasional project to cease the need. I miss my friends to no end. Somehow, you just can’t share your thoughts, jokes, and concerns with a two year old.
It’s almost as if my life has collapsed in on itself and I’m a shell of my former self. All sense of self has vanished for me. I have a foggy memory of how things used to be but no hope that I will resume any of it any time soon. Once my daughter ventures off to pre-school, I will still have my son to take care of. I’m still looking at another three to four years before I have any real amount of time to myself. And honestly, who can plan that far in advance? I can wish, dream, and conjure images of selfish uses of time, but there’s no way to guarantee any of that will happen. Just thinking about it leaves me a little depressed.
So does all of this mean that I regret my children? Not in any way shape or form. If anything, it reminds me not to take all the sweet baby and toddler moments for granted as I did other things in my “past life.” I realize that these moments will disappear to the depths of my somewhat blurry memory and I don’t want to be left reeling with feelings of remorse for not enjoying the moment enough. I will miss my daughter telling me through tightly gritted teeth, “no biting” as I try to dislodge her toothbrush to complete the job. I will miss her getting excited after her bath about “in soft kin” (translation: nice soft skin) as I put lotion her after her bath. I will miss her getting upset because her shirt is to big after I have her dressed, only to have to take her actual dress off and switch into shorts and a t-shirt. There are millions of others. I can only imagine the gems of wisdom that will spew forth from her brother when he gets here.
But it’s not just the entertainment value that tugs at the heartstrings; it is the little being that she is, the soul she possesses. It is the amazing person she is and the amazing person she is growing into. I pray everyday that I can do justice as a parent to that person and the one on the way. I love my children more than anything.
That being said, do I think I will suffer “kidsickness”? No, I don’t. I will miss them when they are away. I’m sure I will be astonished how deeply I miss them. But the level headed (usually, anyway) part of me realizes that these times will be good for all involved. My children need to grow up with a sense of well being that they can do things on there own. Yes, I’ll be here to catch them when they fall, but I won’t hover and not let them make the mistakes from which they will learn. I want my children to have self confidence that will carry them through life’s many challenges. I really do not believe that can be taught or given if I’m over involved in every aspect of their lives. I want to give them options and teach them to make informed choices. I want them to be proud of their accomplishments and not to strive to do things just to please me. I want them to be able to take on anything, even being away from me for a while.
As for my selfishness that I alluded to earlier, I am a firm believer that I should live my life as more than just a parent. I need to be happy and fulfilled in order to be the best, most effective parent I can be. After all, what kind of things will I be teaching my children if I only live to wait on them hand and foot? I want them to see me love and appreciate things in life that don’t center on them. I think they will be more inspired to find the things in life that make them happy if they see me doing it. I don’t wish to turn into the bitter parent who holds everything in and blames their children and spouse for a miserable life. I aspire for all us to be happy and fulfilled not needy and co-dependent, which to me, is what this “kidsickness” is about.
So lest you think otherwise, I WILL miss my kids when they’re away, but I WILL be happy about it on a different level.
