My husband's grandfather passed away this morning. He was almost 92 and went peacefully in his sleep. He and his wife actually had no children of their own, but my mother-in-law was like a daughter to them, and lived with them for awhile and my husband is an only child, so he's their only type of grandchild. They are very close to him and because of that, have been very close to my kids. My daughter is only three, though, and my son is 14 months. There's no way I'm bringing my 14-month old, and I really don't see a need to bring my 3-year old, and I'm leaning towards leaving her with my mother. I just don't think she'll understand it and I think seeing him might scare her. I am bringing them to the burial on Monday.

 

What would you do? When my own grandfather died, my little cousin was there for one viewing and she was only three at the time. It didn't bother her, but I just find it unnecessary to bring my daughter to it. She doesn't even understand what's happened to him.

That is completely your choice and if you feel it is a good one for you and your children then you don't need to bring them with you.

I will bring Ammon with me to funerals of family members because I don't ever want him to be afraid of death.  I want him to see that it is peaceful and I want to try to help him understand death. 

simon went to the funeral, burial and wake for his great grandma when he was 3 months old. he was good during all of it and it was the first time alot of relatives got to see him. 2 weeks ago he went with us to put my great uncles ashes in the vault he was pretty good there but tim had to take him away from the group a few times because he was getting bored and wanted down to run around and pull the flowers off the walls. it just depends on the kids and you know your kids best do you think they will be able to sit through a service, do you think they could behave and not be to loud. i wouldnt worry to much about taking them to the wake they might provide a very needed tension breaker. we took simon with us to the hospital when my great uncle fell off the roof and he was great at breaking the tension and entertaining the family while we waited he also provided great comic relief at lunch after the service too. it also depends on the ppl that will be there if they will laugh when the kids are being silly or if they will roll their eyes and not find it proper for them to be there. with us its usally if simon is allowed he goes with us since we normally dont have anyone to watch him and it usally works out just fine.

You are family, your children are family - in my opinion it would not be inappropriate to take them.

It is entirely up to you and your husband & how you want to handle this as parents with your children.

Personally, I think I would take my son if I were in the situation.  For a few reasons, one my parents tried to shelter me from reality at time when I was young - made it difficult when I was older.  Another reason, is that while I may not think he understands or can truly comprehend - I do believe that children understand and feel far more than we actually comprehend - they need to experience the whole process. 

There are great books out there and I'm sure some others here may have some 1st hand experience on how to explain everything to your daughter.

And, as pezzy said, soemtimes young children bring a needed break from tension - there is something about the innocence young child starting out life that brings comfort at times like these - especially when they are family.

Listen to your heart - you will know what to do.

 

We just had a similar situation when my BIL passed away.  I didn't really have much of a choice as all my babysitter were going to be there!  I took color books, snacks, etc.  The girls were with us part of the time and over in a corner playing when they needed to get away.

For immediate family, our children usually go, depends on when and where the funeral is going to be held.  I don't typically take the children out of school.  It really just depends on whom has passed away.  For their great-grandparents, we always took them.  But for a friend of the family, either me or hubby stay at home and take care of the usual home/kid duties.  It is usually me staying home, as I don't have much family here and my hubby's entire family lives here and there are a ton of them!

I will add, that on the few occasions that we took our children, the younger ones didn't really understand what was going on, and it gave closure to the older children.  Everyone was so happy to see my children and they did bring a Ray of Sunshine (as Nanie used to say) to a very sad day.

It is a personal choice.  Best wishes.

i DO AGREE THAT YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD NOT GO, MY GRANDFATHER PASSED AWAY IN NOV AND THE MORNING THAT HE PASSED AWAY WE WENT TO THERE HOUSE TO CONSOLE MY GRANDMOTHER AND HE WAS STILL THERE, I WENT AND SAY HIM ON THE BED TO TELL HIM GOOD BYE AND SEEING HIM LIKE THAT REALLY UP SET ME SO I KNOW THAT IF MY 2 YEAR OLD SAY HIM IT WOULD ALSO SCARE HIM. WHEN WE WENT TO THE VIEWING I DID TAKE HIM OLNY BECAUSE I HAD NO ONE TO WATCH HIM AND ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS PLAY OUTSIDE SO MY MOM TOOK HIM FOR A WALK AS WE SAID GOOD BYE TO HIM, BUT FOR THE FUNERAL I DID NOT TAKE HIM MY MIL WATCHED HIM FOR ME I KNOW IT WAS NOT A PLACE FOR HIM TO BE, WE HAD A CHAPEL SERVICE ASWELL AS A GRAVESIDE SERVICE. I DO THINK THAT THEIR MINDS AND IMAGINACTION PLAY A HUGE ROLE IN A CHILDS MIND AND IT IS NOT A PLACE FOR SMALL CHILDREN.

My grandmother just passed away on Monday and her funeral was Wednesday.  She was 90 and there are 13 great grandchildren in the family ranging from 3 months to 10 years old.  We did not have the visitation the night before, only the funeral.  Although some of the smaller ones did not understand what was happeneing, all of them were there.  They knew they would not see her anymore and that she went to live with God, and they did fine.  Had we had an Visitation for her, I have no doubt the children would be there too.  I think it all depends on your personal situation, family, and feelings toward it.  Good luck with the decision!

I did my kids to my moms wake when they were one and five and to this day wish Id have taken 5 yr old to the funeral..... I think the wakes are important for teaching about death, but funerals go more for  maturity of kids to handle ...This is just my opinions  So sorry fr your loss...

my oldest was 4 when my gradfather whom i lived with a considered more like a 2nd father passed. He attended both the wake and the funeral (my grandparents where orthodox catholic so not a short ceremony either).

Both my oldest, by then 11, and my youngest, just 2 went to my DH's favorite uncles funeral and wake.

 Both times my children did very well at the event and many many were happy to see them. I didnt not hear any negative comments about bringin them.

 Its a family event. Why exclude them? Death happens and is a part of life. Treating it like a secret only makes it harder for them to deal with when they get older.  Treating it as an event, granted sad, but still a normal event will take some of the mystery from it and make it easier for her to deal with as she gets older.

 Death is only scary if we are taught to think it is scary. If you talk to your children and explain what is happening and such they wont be scared. Would you want them excluded from your funeral, left with babysitters instead of with family sharing in the both the sadness and the rememberance? Funerals and wakes are times to remember the best about a person and share those memories to help keep thier memories alive in our hearts.

The younger one wont know what the event was and your older one may not understand either completely but many will be happy to see proof of the circle of life in the faces of your children.

 *hugs* so sorry for your loss

Thanks everyone. What actually ended up happening was that my husband and I went to yesterday afternoon's wake. My kids stayed with my mom. My husband and I also went to last night's and my kids were still with my mom. The viewing was 7-9, so at 8, I drove to my mom's to get the kids and went back to the funeral home to get my husband. We felt like bringing them in, so we did. They were fine. My 3-year old went up to the casket with our grandmother and she said that pop-pop looked like he was sleeping and she said good-bye to him. My 14-month old had no idea and was just there to make everyone smile. The wakes have been small. At 91, a lot of his friends and family had pre-deceased him, and most people are waiting for tonight's because the firemen have their ceremony over the casket tonight. I'm glad I brought them. I'm glad my daughter got to go. I had my reservations, but it worked out much better than I could have imagined.

 She still wants to know exactly where pop-pop and has gone. We're Agnostic, so we don't explain anything with god or religion in it. Even if we did, the explanation is confusing, so it's hard to explain to a kid that even though pop-pop is laying there, he's not really there and can't talk to her. I did tell her that he can't wake up, but that he's very peaceful. She took that explanation as enough for her (thankfully).

My condolences on your loss.  The odds of a three-year-old remembering the event for long are minimal. 

Another good analogy is to plant a garden with your child - plants grow, bloom, die - everything has their time - thank goodness humans last as long as they do! 

You did what you thought was best, and I commend you for that.  When my grandmother died - Hannah was a little over 2 and Sam was 3 monts old.  We took them to all of it, as that is what we did in my big Catholic family.  I do not regret it at all, It taught Hannah from an early age that life is precious and to remember everyone is not here forever. 

We explained to her that God need Grandma Dorothy as an angel, and that she was going to be her special angel that watches over her and Sammy.  To this day, she comments on her angel, Grandma Dorothy.

When my Grandfather passed away my daughter was 2 yrs old I took my children with me. My son was 4. They behaved very well. My daughter slept thru it all.  My son sat with my Father thru most of it and did very well.

I think it depends on how well your kids will behave. If they are young take a few things to keep them occupied. My daughter was content with her binki.

Sometimes seeing the smiling faces of young children tends to help cheer up others in a sad time as this.